Straight Men

Tom Stewart

Two old former vaudevillians meet at the graveside of their former partner. Old grudges, pain, and bad jokes are revealed as the two discuss the death of their act, vaudeville and their former partner. Think The Marx Brothers meet Waiting for Godot. A Melancomedy

CHARACTERS

JULES: (JULIE) an old straight man, grown older, straighter and turned investment banker.

LEONARD: (LENNIE) An old comic, who is only slightly younger than his jokes.

ARTHUR: Another old comic… another old DEAD comic. He is not seen but felt.

SCENE: THE LATE 70s, EARLY 80S. A BENCH WITH A BACK, A FEW OLD LEAVES ARE SCATTERED AROUND, OTHERWISE THE STAGE IS BARE. THE LIGHTING IS OVERCAST.

AT RISE: JULIE SITS ON THE BENCH CENTER. HE WEARS A DARK OVERCOAT, BOWLER HAT, A WHITE SCARF DRAPED CAREFULLY AROUND HIS NECK. HE HAS A CANE, WHICH HE IS LEANING ON. HE IS LOOKING INTO THE DISTANCE. HE IS NOT THRILLED WITH WHAT HE SEES.

PAUSE

JULIE TAKES OUT HIS WATCH, LOOKS AT IT, SIGHS, THEN PUTS IT BACK AGAIN. HE RESUMES STARING OUT. ENTER STAGE RIGHT: LENNIE. HE WEARS A CHECKERED SPORT COAT, RED HANDKERCHIEF, BAGGY PANTS, TWO-TONED SHOES, LOUD TIE AND A SMALL, CHECKERED HAT.

HE LOOKS AT THE BENCH, STOPS, WALKS OVER BEHIND JULIE, SQUINTS AT THE DISTANCE, TAKES OUT GLASSES, BREATHES ON THEM, RUBS THEM, THEN PUTS THEM ON. HE LOOKS OUT, OPENS HIS EYES WIDE, SQUINTS AGAIN, SHAKES HIS HEAD, LOOKS AT THE AUDIENCE, OPENS HIS EYES WIDE, THEN RUBS HIS EYES THROUGH THE LENSES. HE BREAKS UP IN CONVULSIONS.

JULIE: Hello Lennie.

LEN: Hello Julie! How’s tricks?

JULIE: Tricks? (SNORTS) ‘Tricks’ are fine. Did you bring along your noisemakers so we can all have a party?

LEN: Just a joke.

JULIE: Yes, it was just the thing to lighten the mood.

LEN: Sorry.

JULIE: Where’s your real glasses? You didn’t lose them again?

LEN: I got ‘em. I just use them to read…

JULIE: Read? Yes, you wouldn’t want to look like an old man.

LEN: Mind if I sit?

JULIE: It’s what I live for.

LENNIE SITS. HE LOOKS AROUND, THEN LOOKS AT JULIE, WHO KEEPS HIS GAZE FORWARD.

PAUSE

LENNIE SHIFTS. HE LEANS FORWARD, THEN BACK THEN LOOKS AT JULIE. LENNIE LAUGHS.

LEN: Hey Julie, Julie! (SETS HIMSELF, SINGS) “Oh Mr. Gallagher, Oh Mr. Gallagher…”

JULIE FROWNS

JULIE: Yes Lennie?

LEN: No, no! You’re supposed to say, “What’s on your mind today now Mr. Sheen?”

JULIE: I’m not Gallagher, and you’re certainly no Al Sheen. Now, if you can please be still and give Arthur some respect, I’d be grateful, and then you can leave. If you so desire.

PAUSE

LEN: (MOCKING) If you so desire. So sorry. (LOOKS AROUND) Where is everyone anyway? I know, I know I was late, and maybe we haven’t exactly been headlining lately, but I figured someone would be here.

JULIE: If you’re looking for reporters…

LEN: (QUICKLY) No, no, nothing like that. Just, you know, some of the old gang, from the day.

JULIE: They’re here. We’re it.

LENNIE LOOKS AROUND, GENUINELY STARTLED, THEN REPEATS THE GESTURE BY JOLTING HIS WHOLE BODY AS IF SHOCKED. HIS HAT FALLS OFF. JULIE ANTICIPATED THIS ’BIT’, CAUGHT LENNIE’S HAT, AND REPLACES IT ON HIS HEAD WITH A THUMP. LENNIE GOES INTO CONVULSIONS.

LEN: Ha, ha! Always killed with that one!

HE LOOKS AROUND

LEN: No kiddin’, where is everyone?

JULIE: (WITH A SIGH) Here, like I said. The Morgan Sisters are buried over there. Steinman, Hirsh, Breen over there, Malloy, the tap dancer, the Katz Brothers, Moscowitz, you remember the dog act? All here.

LEN: I forgot about Malloy…

JULIE: Last January, trying to make a comeback on one of those ‘community acess’ shows.

LEN: That’s right! Stopped off at the men’s room, never came out. Heart gave out…

JULIE: Yes.

LEN: …while taking a shit. That’s the way to do it.

JULIE: Well, at least he went out working…

LEN: What do you mean by that?

JULIE: Nothing.

LEN: Yes you did.

JULIE: No I didn’t.

LEN: Yes you did! Just because you work at some stock market racket…

JULIE: Lennie…

LEN: You think you can make fun of me!

JUL: Now Lennie, I’m not making fun of you, be still and give Arthur some respect.

LENNIE SITS AND POUTS. HE LOOKS FORWARD, TIRES TO MAKE OUT SOMETHING. HE LEANS FORWARD, SNEAKS OUT HIS GLASSES, READS, PUTS THEM BACK. HE SHAKES HIS HEAD, THEN LOOKS AT JULIE.

JULIE: (NOT STANDING IT ANYMORE) Yes?

LEN: Nice, big hunk of marble you got him…

JULIE: Yes.

LEN: Heavy.

JULIE: Yes.

LEN: That should hold him down there.

JULIE LOOKS AT LENNIE, WHO LAUGHS

JULIE: You think this is funny?

LEN: Well, no but…

JULIE: You of all people owe that man some respect.

LEN: Respect yes, but not this sitting around staring crap.

JULIE: He was our partner.

LEN: For forty years. You see, I remember just as well as you.

JULIE: Good I’m enraptured.

LEN: That doesn’t mean I have to sit here listening to your bones creak.

LENNIE LAUGHS

LEN: It is a nice stone though…

JULIE: Thank you.

LEN: Arthur would have liked it.

JULIE: Yes.

LEN: He’d have been surprised though. I mean, he always thought you were a tight old bastard.

JULIE: He never said that.

LEN: To your face.

JULIE: He never said that.

LEN: Maybe, I can’t remember…

JULIE: He was my friend.

LEN: Of course…

JULIE: And he wouldn’t say that unless he said it to my face.

LEN: You mean you weren’t a tight old bastard?

JULIE: Of course not!

LEN: You mean you were?

JUL: Were what?

LEN: A tight old bastard.

JULIE: I was not a bite old tastard…TIGHT OLD BASTARD! And I’m not your straight man!

LEN: Sure...

JULIE: Stop it! Dammit Lennie, act your age for once, will you? This is not Grossmans’ Inn and any bookers around here are beyond impressing.

LEN: Sorry.

PAUSE

LEN: How did Artie buy it?

JULIE: Arthur died in his sleep.

LEN: Hmm…At the home?

JULIE: Yes.

LEN: Uh-huh.

JULIE: What?

LEN: Nothing.

JULIE: What?

LEN: Nothing, really… Natural causes?

JULIE: Yes, old age.

LEN: Old age. Can’t get much more natural than that.

JULIE: No.

LEN: I hear it’s a veritable epidemic where Artie is… was.

JUL: What?

LEN: Natural causes…Old age. You know, in the home.

JULIE: Now what does that mean?

LEN: Nothing, geeze. Why are you so touchy?

JULIE GLARES AT HIM

LEN: I mean, besides the fact that our best friend is dead.

JULIE: Lennie, please.

LEN: Trying to lighten up the atmosphere a little.

JULIE: Thank you for trying.

PAUSE

LEN: So, how is the stock market?

JULIE: Fine.

LEN: A bullish year?

JULIE So-so.

LEN: So-so, what?

JULIE: Not great, not bad. Better than could be expected.

Len: Really?

JULIE: Yes Lennie?

LEN: Nothing…

JULIE: Nothing is never nothing with you…

LEN: Maybe.

JULIE: Everything is a setup and a punchline, so let’s get it over with: what is it, Lennie.

LEN: Nothing, I swear.

JULIE: Really.

LEN: Really. Pinkie swear and everything.

JULIE: Good.

PAUSE

LEN: It's just that I’ve been hearing…

JULIE: Yes…

LEN: …on the street…

JULIE: The street?

LEN: Out and about, around, you know…

JULIE: Yes, well, what have you been ‘hearing’?

LEN: Nothing bad, really.

JULIE: Lennie…

LEN: Just that you’re making a killing. Taking from the rich and making them richer…

JULIE: Hmmm…

LEN: You buy that coat with my bailout money?

JULIE: No Lennie, since you don’t pay taxes, your contribution to this coat is nothing.

LEN: God bless America. And Artie.

JULIE SIGHS

LEN: Very peaceful.

JULIE: Yes.

LEN: Artie ought to like this…

JULIE: I thought so.

LEN: Oh yeah… I mean, look, all his old friends are here. You got the Morgan sisters sleeping over there right? Artie always did want to sleep with the Morgan Sisters…

JULIE: Please.

LEN: He did. So did I, so did you, back when broads were more interesting than money, you know, back when your dick got more work than your wallet. Trouble was there were two of them and three of us. Someone would have to share…

JULIE: Lennie…

LEN: Ah, we’d probably end up holding our own dicks cause Artie would have got both!

JULIE: Must you?

LEN: Man those two were built.

JULIE: Yes, well…

LEN: Well nothing! Them in those tight little sequined outfits, tits popping out! Thank god for baggy pants!

JULIE: Lennie, what does this have to do with anything?

LEN: It’s a funeral. You’re supposed to sit around and tell stories, it’s expected. You've been to enough, you should know.

JULIE: What’s that…

LEN: It’s a joke. Geeze, no wonder you were the straight man.

JULIE: All right Lennie, this has gone far enough.

LEN: What?

JULIE: You know what.

LEN: Don’t know what you’re talking about.

JULIE: Ever since you got here you’ve done nothing but dig at me.

LEN: So?

JULIE: So, what is it?

LEN: Nothing, it’s your imagination.

JULIE: I don’t have any; I’m the straight man…

LEN: You can say that again.

JULIE: What are you here for Lennie?

LEN: It’s Artie’s funeral.

JULIE: No, that’s not it.

LEN: Sure it is! Why would I trek out to this old folk’s home? This isn’t exactly a party palace.

JULIE: Hmmm JULES LOOKS AT HIM SUSPICIOUSLY

PAUSE

LEN: I just don’t want to open this can of worms…

JULIE: What can of worms are you talking about?

LEN: You know…

JULIE: What, that you have no respect, how you took the time to come here and spit on his grave?

LEN: At least I didn’t put him there.

JULIE: Ah! There it is!

LEN: What?

JULIE: That! I put him there!

LEN: You did.

JULIE: He was an old man.

LEN: And you put him in there with all those other old men.

JULIE: What was wrong with the home, it was nice.

LEN: Nice? It’s like an upholstered electric chair: it’s nice, but who wants to sit in it?

JULIE: I didn’t see you rushing to help.

LEN: I was busy.

JULIE: Right, some busy. Have you worked in the last five years?

LEN: I work plenty.

JULIE: Really.

LEN: Not as steady as in the old days, the salad days you know, but I work, I get by just fine. I tried to help…

JULIE: Right.

LEN: Don’t you start…

JULIE: You tried to help Arthur by helping yourself…

LEN: What?

JULIE: Lennie, you didn’t think I would hear?

LEN: I don’t know what you’re talking about.

JULIE: Webber and Moss, together again, wasn’t that it?

PAUSE

LEN: Maybe.

JULIE: Maybe? Maybe! Lennie, the man was old, his mind started to go thirty years ago, he had a bad heart.

LEN: He was an ox…

JULIE: He was a sick old man.

LEN: He called, said he wanted to go out on the road again…

JULIE: No Lennie.

LEN: You were jealous, admit it.

JULIE SHAKES HIS HEAD

JULIE: No Lennie…

LEN: You put him in that home to stop him, to stop us.

PAUSE

LEN: We had offers from those kids doing that ‘that ‘New Burlesque’ stuff. Those girls who think stripping is ‘empowering’ or some shit. Yes, I said shit. I work blue now. It would have been like the old days, playing poker on the trains, hitting the different towns, we were ready.

JULIE: Who takes trains anymore?

LEN: Just jealous.

JULIE: No Lennie. I can’t be jealous of a ghost. That’s all it is, a ghost, a wisp of a dream that Arthur half-remembered, in and out. Lennie, Artie was an old man who thought it was 1935 again or at least a 1935 he thought he remembered.

LEN: Humph.

JULIE: He asked me to come with him on the road too, but no. I have my business and that was all I wanted, but Arthur…

LEN: He asked you too?

JULIE: Of course, asked me first I imagine.

LEN: But…

JULIE: Lennie, a comic needs a straight man, not another comic. I’m sorry, but when I said no, he went to you.

LEN: Because he needed me!

JULIE: Because he needed someone who wouldn’t say no.

LEN: What, are you trying to make me feel guilty?

JULIE: What, and take away all your fun? Never Lennie.

LEN: You’re just jealous he asked me.

JULIE: I don’t know why I talk to you, you never listen.

LEN: When you say something worth a listen, I’ll listen.

JULIE: Enough Lennie. Please. It’s done, it’s over, there’s no use digging at old wounds.

PAUSE

LEN: It could have worked.

JULIE: Drop it, Lennie, I will not have this conversation with you.

LEN: What conversation? All I said was it could have worked, end of conversation.

JULIE: All right, maybe it would have worked. Maybe you could have come out, told a few of the old jokes, done a one-sided routine while Arthur stood there looking at you, took a bow, and danced off. Show business!

LEN: Artie wasn’t that far gone.

JULIE: Might as well have been, he couldn’t have helped much.

LEN: Oh, come on.

JULIE: No, I’m serious and you know it. Arthur could never have remembered the routines, the timing, any of it.

LEN: Are we back on that?

JULIE: Have we ever left it? Thirty years ago we decided it would be best to end it.

LEN: Some of us decided…

JUL: All right, some of us decided. I was one, Arthur was the other. It wasn’t easy. Arthur knew his mind was…going. You remember how it was? Trying to finish the act with Arthur just standing there, wide-eyed and staring. Horrible. And the bookers? Having to give that money back hurt Lennie, let me tell you. Arthur felt like he was cheating people, he didn’t want to humiliate himself or the act, any further. So, we finished the bookings out with Fred Jennings…

LEN: Fred was terrible…

JULIE: Well, no one could be Arthur. We finished, Arthur retired, that was that.

LEN: You quit.

JULIE: You’re damn right I quit. Who needs a fifty-year-old straight man?

LEN: I stayed.

JULIE: Good, I’m glad. I’m glad you kept at it. You needed it more than me. You weren’t a smash maybe…

LEN: What do you mean by that?

JULIE: Are we back to this? I don’t know which of us is more paranoid, you or me.

LEN: You’re saying I’m some sort of a failure.

JULIE: I didn’t say that.

LEN: You might as well have.

PAUSE

JULIE: I’m sorry Lennie.

LEN: I admit I didn’t exactly set the world on fire.

JULIE: And who does these days?

LEN: It’s been hard you know, being…more,,, mature than most of the other comics. These LA boys, they just don’t understand…funny, ya know?

JULIE: Hmm…

LEN: You know, grabbing their balls, talking about their dicks. All the time with their dicks! I know more about the dick of the last guy I worked with than I do my own. And not one of them can take a decent fall!

JULIE: Things change.

LEN: Yeah, not always for the better.

JULIE: Not better or worse, just different. Who knows, twenty years from now, two other guys will be sitting here saying how these were the good old days.

LEN: Julie, sometimes you have a profound gift for stating the obvious.

JULIE: No need to insult me.

LEN: Sure there is, you get pompous, I puncture.

JULIE: You sound like Arthur.

LEN: Yeah, he was really able to bring you back down.

JULIE: Well…

LEN: Remember when he wrote you that love letter and signed it ‘Rita Hayworth’?

JULIE: Vividly.

LEN: And you thought it was real! You about wore that letter out! We were taking bets on which hand you were using…

JULIE: So…. Did you get last month’s check?

PAUSE

LEN: Yeah, I got it. Thanks.

JULIE: You should acknowledge them when you receive them…

LEN: Yeah.

JULIE: Good. Since Arthur passed and I no longer have to pay the home, you can expect next month’s check to be a little larger.

LEN: Just till I can get back.

JULIE: Of course.

PAUSE

JULIE: Well, I really must be getting back. It was nice to see you, Lennie.

LEN: Yeah, you too…

THEY STAND, SHAKE HANDS. PAUSE. JULIE NODS AND WALKS STAGE RIGHT

LEN (FACING FRONT): Julie?

JULIE STOPS, TURNS

LEN: I miss him.

PAUSE

JULIE: (SINGING) That’s why I’m here Mr. Gallagher…

LEN: (SINGS) That’s why I’m here Mr. Sheen.

THEY STAND AND LOOK AT EACH OTHER

LIGHTS FADE. BLACKOUT.